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Wednesday, October 31, 2012

My Halloween

October 31,2012

Boy has it been a long time since I have logged into my own blog!  Wow, I'm not sure if I am a blogger, but I will not give up on myself.  There are so many great blogs out there and so much expressed so eloquently.

I am just seeking to find myself...
Today is my day off of work.  I work graveyard shift at a hotel front desk every weekend.  I really like it because it allows me to use my people pleasing tendencies for customer service.  And goes best with my night owl tendencies hahaha!  My children, however do not like the job for me because when I am home I sleep alot.

And this post has nothing at all to do with Halloween other than I am writing it on Halloween.  This holiday isn't a big deal to me.  I like Thanksgiving and Christmas and luckily I do not work either day this year :D Yay me!!!

Well, I resolve to post more and just be me and express what I think and feel.  I may just allow myself to be unfiltered...

if I dare...

Well, Happy Halloween and thank you for reading!!

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Today is unmolded clay

Today I woke up with no set thing to do, no schedule or appointments and felt as if I "should" have one.  Right now I am unemployed so the days sort of blend together.  It's funny how much of an influence a job can have on my feeling of purpose.  But I am choosing to see it as a luxury I may have longed for on a busy hectic day in the past.  It IS all in how we see our life isn't it?

A year or two ago my days were crammed with so many things to do I could hardly think clearly.  In fact, I don't know how I kept such a frantic pace.  So many appointments, meetings, phone calls, plus my hourly customer service job.  I set my intention for a more peaceful, less dramatic life back then and here I am a couple years later where I wanted to be.  Of course there were many decisions to make on the way and work involved in changing how I approached my life.  It wasn't easy.  It was a collaboration of teaming up with my mom.  We didn't have much time together when I was a child so we joke about making up for it now.  She moved from California to North Dakota to help me and my little family through crisis.  We live together now and spend so much of our time together, I love it!

Today I may feel like I am supposed to be doing something to busy myself because my past self was so incredibly busy; beyond normal busy.  Today I am choosing to look at my day as unmolded clay.  My life is an art project and I can create something new every day.  Some days I will fill to the brim with what matters to me at that time.  Other days may drift by like a steady slow stream making its way to its source.  Of course I must pay bills and survive like everyone else and right now the bills are paid.  So I am blessed and lucky that my search does not need to be frantic.  In this economy I am not seeking to define my life by what I do to make a living.  I am more than what I do to make money.  We all are.  I seek meaning and fulfillment by reaching out and expressing myself.

Don’t get me wrong, I am job searching but I am also feeding my soul with time and peace.  I spend time with my mom and my son.  I spend time with my youngest daughter.  I spend time rebuilding a relationship with my older daughter.  I spend time reading wisdom from blogs and friends on Facebook.  I watch the Hallmark Channel and enjoy happy tears.  I am crafting my life each day from the unmolded clay I start out with.  Today my day is like a wandering stream.  What will it be tomorrow?  I will work the clay and discover it as I go.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Life gives you lemons

Monday, August 01, 2011

My intention with this blog is to talk about things important to me and share some of what I have learned from mistakes, negative life experiences as well as good choices and positive experiences.  I want to share life with whoever would like to share theirs.  This is my first blog so if it isn’t perfect that’s ok.  Bear with me and we can learn together from and with each other.  I am just a person like you looking for meaning and purpose in a chaotic world.  I chose lemons as my topic because no matter how hard we try to make our lives what we want somehow lemons show up.

We all get lemons at some time or another in life, right?  Some lemons suck more than others, but no matter how you cut them they are still lemons; fruit you didn't intend to harvest in life.  What matters isn't the exact kind of lemon you get or how big or sour it is compared to someone else’s; it is what we choose to do with that lemon that creates meaning in our life.

What can we do with the lemons we get?  Let's say we are growing an intentional garden and we try to cultivate certain ingredients for a main dish or goal we have.  For example, I got lemons three years ago when I moved up to North Dakota so my kids could get to know their dad for the first time.  I hoped and believed and planted seeds of intent for a heartfelt reunion that would be a great full main course for all of us.  A second chance for their dad, for him and I, for them, etc.  Slowly and gradually things got sour, until all we had were lemons.  I planned for something better, hoped, believed and put in love, intention and effort, but had to improvise with lemons.

One lemon was particularly rotten because he committed a crime against our children and I didn't believe I could stop him.  I was afraid of what he might do.  I said no, but didn't stand firm with my “no” and gave in to what I thought was going to happen no matter what I said or did.  That lemon soured every recipe of intention I had for our family for a couple years.  I suffered, my children suffered and it took a long time to end the relationship, get away with my kids, and bring the whole situation to the law.  It took me a lot of therapy to realize that I had many choices of what to do with that lemon.  I limited my own choices and looked at it as if I had none because in my mind all of the choices had negative consequences.  Basically, I didn’t like my choices so I thought  I had none.  Have you ever done that?  Think about your situation, your “lemon” and what you could do with it.  Some of the choices you may dismiss right away because of what “could” happen, what it “could” cost you in effort, risk, pain, rejection, and possible danger.

We can’t possibly know how all the “what if’s” may or may not turn out, but we ALWAYS have choices.  Lemons don’t automatically mean lemonade or sour recipes spoiled by it for years.  Some choices take a lot more effort, like counseling, going to the sheriff and social services, becoming accountable and asking for help, utilizing the help offered and being patient to see and feel the results of that hard work come to fruition.  Growing a new harvest takes not only intention, hope and love; it also takes effort, hard work and patience.  Just like making a lemon tart is a more complex recipe than lemonade and growing orchids takes delicate constant care rather than allowing weeds to grow and choke your intended harvest.  Some lemons you can weed out of your garden and others you might have to incorporate into your life recipe.

I could have shared any of my lemons from life, but I chose the most rotten one.  Maybe someone can relate to it, maybe not but I chose to share it because it was hard to turn it into anything good.  It had to get really tough before it got better.  I risked a lot to make it better.  I lost a lot by not risking it earlier.  But after lots of hard work things have gotten better.  My children are safe, I am safe, and we are living a peaceful life.  It isn’t perfect, some things still have that bitter taste to them, but I had to do something with that rotten lemon and my hope in sharing it is that someone will be able to look at their “lemon” with a different perspective and feel empowered to make some choices rather than just let it ruin their life recipe.  Your life is what you make of it.

So when life gives us lemons, what can we create from it?  What are our choices?  How can I turn it into something sweet, fulfilling and nourishing to my life?  What are your lemons?  Please share whatever you feel led to share about your lemons, what you can make of them and how you feel empowered to shape your life using those lemons